It's funny (not really) how I'm 47 years old and I'm still afraid of what my Mom or Dad will think of me. I believe it points out that I'm not sure what I think of me. That is the real problem, not that I care too much about what others think of me but that I don't approve of me. If I thought I was OK, then it wouldn't matter what came at me from the outside. Is this a critical lack of self-confidence? I've been told it's a 10 year process to dig oneself out of that self-esteem hole. I wonder if I can get credit for time served?
I don't lack confidence in everything I do. I can crank my motorcycle up to 180 km/h for short, exhilarating bursts and I know that if I had some track training, I could go even faster. I don't prepare madly for every client I see. My boys are turning out to be pretty darn awesome (knock on wood). I can talk to the physicians at work, even joke around with them (have you ever spent time with the dominant ego of a doctor?). I can stand up to a friendly combatant while sparring in Karate and not flinch too much when he strikes at my face (non-contact sparring thank goodness). But... but what? It all comes down to the fact that I want my life to be better and I don't think I can do it. I believe the equation is: dissatisfaction with my life = dissatisfaction with me. So do I work on my belief that I can't make it better or do I take a look at the life I have and ask, "what else could you want!?"
It's all too complicated right now. The more I think about it the more tangled I get.
The little voice in my head says, "let to go, let it go."
-----
I wish I could give you a hug. That is all.
ReplyDelete"It all comes down to the fact that I want my life to be better and I don't think I can do it."
ReplyDeleteUm . . . yeah. Can I be completely honest? There are days when I feel justified in believing that one more day that I spent here is just one more day to do more harm. Like a mold growing that won't scrub off.
Yeah, I'm just a big ball of self-esteem, no? If it takes ten years? I might not make it that long . . .
So i know that you have studied Bhuddism to some extent and this reminded me of the basic precept of the faith that it is the things we desire that can make us most miserable - although the faith talks mainly about possessions i think this can also relate to vindication of ourselves. We want to be more than we are and sometimes our own limitations can make us miserable. For instance: i am deeply passionate about music, but my constant struggles to understand all the rules of music and a lack of natural talent can make me feel like chucking it all in
ReplyDeleteI think the only way forward is to find ways of making your weaknesses work in your favour and by doing so accept them
It's funny with parents. Our ways of behaving with them form the earliest and most worn paths in our brain. It's not just about self-esteem. Habit and a deeply ingrained desire to please counts for a lot I think. I haven't seen my dad in over a decade, but for years, I continued to be influenced by his disapproving voice in my head.
ReplyDeleteGreetings, fellow self-esteem hole-dweller! Your thoughts chime pretty well with my own.
ReplyDeleteI want my life to be better... better how?
In my own case, my main source of disatisfaction is that I think my work is meaningless and this should be something I could sort out by getting different work (but in this climate?). The trick might be to look at different bits of your life and see where the biggeest source(s) of malaise come from - even if you can;t fix them right away.
DFTP is right about the attachment thing (although I think the teaching is about ALL attachment), but in your case, I get the feeling it's not about material stuff anyway.
You're absolutely on the money about not lacking in confidence ina ll areas - I'm the same, but there is a core of low self-worth that, in my case at least, underpins and colours pretty much everything.
The key to a better life I suspect is to know what it would look like if it ever came along. I don't have a clear picture of this for myself and if you don't either, that's probably half the problem.
Apolgies for rambling: this is a subject of much introspection on my part.
I've said it before; it's like we're brothers.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for all these notes. They really do make a difference. As I fall into the abyss, you folks are the aliens who appear to save the day. (Can you tell what I re-watched today?)
ReplyDeleteTysdaddy: Wouldn't it be nice if there was a quick fix? A breaker to flip.
DFTP: yes
Tinsenpup: It's good to remember there's an environmental/biological reason for our habits. It's not a personal weakness. Empowering yes?
Argent: Thanks for the long note. Really. Lot's there. I'm beginning to think that the problem doesn't lie in our crappy jobs and (apparent) lack of options, but in our attitude towards them. Could I work in a gas station and be as happy with work as I am now? That would be tough, but ultimately, that's what we need to do. It doesn't mean pulling a Solzhenitsyn and resigning to the inevitable existential bleakness of life. It's more like making the most of the way things are (DTFP's comment) and then getting to work doing the work we love. Dissatisfaction kills creativity and freedom. Damn. There's another post here.
DBS: We should go for a whisky some day. We are practically neighbours. Might be a weird experience to meet a real person after looking into their deep blog thoughts first. Kind of bass ackwards.