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| Self-portrait from within, November 2011 |
Isn't it ironic how we are together in our loneliness? I'm lonely when I'm have something I'd like to talk about, but no one to talk with. Usually on topics of art, literature, or Buddhism. I'm around people all the time, so I must be choosing who I say what to (back to the theme of wearing different hats for different people). Big generalization time: we feel lonely because we don't seek out the company of others. What holds us back? Why don't we try? Do we prejudge what our communication partners will want to hear from us? Do we put them before ourselves? Do we think on some level that we don't deserve friends? Is it a lack of compassion towards ourselves? I don't know the answer, but I'm testing the poor self-esteem hypothesis. What I have to say is important. It is. I don't expect it to be important to everyone, but it is something that matters to me now.
I took a measure of myself this weekend. I found an old friend on FB and arranged to go for dinner. I discovered the wonders of Ethiopian food and I got to compare my memories from 20 years ago with things as they are now. I found my friend relatively unchanged (all the good things remain) and in my perception, I feel like I've come miles since those old days of art school. Good miles.
Most important! We are not who we think we are. We are not who we were 20 years ago and we are not who we think we want to be. We are much more, but we are like newborn puppies, blind to everything but our need for comfort. And yet slowly our eyes open. We have a choice whether we will SEE the world around us or remain connected to our comforts.
There is an end to loneliness, an end to our self-imposed exile. We have what we need inside ourselves (the mystical third eye?) and the search for belonging begins within. No easy task, but there is a "tribe" of people like us out there. People who are willing to face the dark in order to find the light.
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Holy deja vu.
ReplyDelete;-)
There are days when I am entirely content to be by myself, even in the midst of a crowd. I sit in the break room at work surrounded by people and white noise and just bury my mind within myself and can stay there until time to get back to the floor. Or even at home, there are days where I long to smoke again, so I can go sit in the garage and just be by myself. I got to reading old entries in my blog the other day and found that most of my most powerful stuff was penned during those months I was unemployed, when all I did when not looking for a new job was sit in my garage and smoke and read and write and smoke some more.
It has been 518 days my last cigarette.
Comforts.
Hmm . . .
I'm in your tribe.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm approaching this from a different direction. Having always pushed myself to make friends and spend time with them, now I'm wondering if it's okay to stop trying and just be with my family, which is what I really want to do right now. And frankly, I think the people I'm drawn to in real life (and who'll have me), often tend to be not all that awesome, so why not take some time to focus on improving myself so that I can have more rewarding friendships in the future? I feel like I need to work on all that stuff in the first paragraph up there in isolation. Connections need to be LESS important for me to start to care less for the approval of others.
ReplyDeletelooking back 20 years ago is weird - i often feel like i'm the same person i was always, and then something hits me and i realise how immature i was back then
ReplyDeleteit's ok to grow
Brian: 518. That's a great commitment to yourself and life. I thank you.
ReplyDeleteEveryone: thanks for helping me chip away at the black.