The void isn't all that scary. It is filled with compassion.
In church today we discussed (others discussed, I listened) how the Israelites in Exodus got into trouble because they wanted a golden calf to worship while they were waiting for Moses to come back. They were tired of waiting and wanted something to worship. They wanted to feel like they were doing something instead of feeling like they were suffering for no good reason.
The first commandment is "thou shalt have no other gods." Here's my take: false idols are beliefs that take you away from the truth. The truth? I'm trying to define this for myself. God? Nirvana? My true self? I'm getting caught up in language and well over my head in this area of comparative theology.
Leaving definition of "truth" aside, what takes me away from it? My beliefs: if only I had enough money I would be happy. If only I could buy the things I want RIGHT NOW I would have peace. If only I didn't have debt I would be happy. The void I fear threatens me and I must escape it. These are some of my major idols. I have minor idols too: that bag of chips I have when I watch TV, the whisky I crave after a hard day at work, a nice pair of shoes, ... all of these (there are many more) make me feel good. Hurt + comfort (minor idol) = peace, but it's only a temporary peace. That is what I'm learning from this money crisis I've created for myself. I can't buy the things that make me feel better, these false idols, so I have no choice but to face the void that I've been using material pleasure to avoid. It's natural to want to avoid discomfort and chase after pleasure. It's human. It's also the cycle that keeps us trapped (according to the Buddha) in this life of suffering.
I'm starting to find out what happens when I don't have my comforts. When I face the void, this thing, this state I can't define. I may be getting to a point where I can choose not to avoid my fears (the void) and instead find a way to accept them. Live life as it is.
The void isn't all that scary. It is filled with compassion.
Today's church conversation feels as if it was organized just for me. It gave me what I needed today and helped me make a connection between Christian theology and my Buddhist faith. DBS, you are the kind of friend I'm so grateful for. I want to be like you! You are a Bodhisattva today. I love the concept that my ego is crumbling. It hurts, but it means I'm getting somewhere that is beyond this self-induced suffering. Sometimes a wound has to be roughed up a little to let light and air into where it's festering. Pixie, it means a lot to know you experience everyday life the way I do, yet you still find reasons to laugh and make me laugh.
With this support and the endless patience I'm learning from my dear wife, I'm starting to feel like this suffering is worth it. Like it's marking a transition to a different phase of life.
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3 comments:
I too sometimes have wondered if the preacher is talking directly to me. And thank you for the compliment. I send it right back to you because your blog has provided words I've needed many times over the years.
long time no read. Strange how your recent posts are all about the same things I've been suffering from. I don't want much, a family holiday once a year (we've never had one), being able to go out for a nice meal every so often (we did that once and spent the rent doing so), most of all I go on guilt trips that my kid doesn't have the same opportunities as other kids, "can I go to Venice with the school tour?".. sorry kid. but no. That's where lack of money really kicks your arse, hard. So, instead, I just try and aim for things like sunshine.. the irony being that we live in Ireland, so even that is a rarity. Modern humans are almost doomed to lose in the battle for contentment... unless we go the valium route.. *insert smiley punctuation face.
:)
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