This is one of those days where I am frustrated choosing a teaspoon from the spoon drawer in the kitchen. Should I pick the one with the classic handle, a design that's been around since spoons were invented or should I take this one that looks like it's trying to be Victorian but is light with cheap Chinese metal and has no place in anyone's tea cup? Nothing is right! I can't decide!
Grrr.
I started the morning writing a post about how I change my personality depending on who I'm with and then I got to second guessing who I wanted to read this post. I'm not comfortable writing about whatever I want on this blog anymore. It's networked too far with family and work acquaintances and I'm too chicken to be myself with everyone who might be reading it.
I think that's the part that sucks the most. I WANT to write about whatever I'm feeling at the moment and keep working on my midlife journey, but I can't push PUBLISH NOW when I'm writing about my deepest feelings and thoughts. Do I care too much about what people think of me? It seems like an insecurity situation. A self-created dilemma.
So I built this new blog complete with a new google identity to ensure privacy, but I don't want to use it. It's too complicated managing all these identities. I deleted the whole works. I want to be one person. The same person at work, home, and at the family reunion. One me.
Do I have the guts?
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Who cares what people think. Just write what you want and let the nay thinkers go to hell.
ReplyDeleteThanks anon. It ain't the nay thinkers I'm afraid of so much as my mom. What if she doesn't mend my pants anymore?
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from with this dilemma.
ReplyDeleteThere are times I have nothing to write about,nothing interesting or funny to share with my blog friends. On the other hand I have loads of things happening,funny, sad , my own thoughts on the sometimes idiotic things that happen here,but If I were to write about them it would be Gossip,betrayal of confidences.One day my stories of life at the Castle will make a good book or a TV sitcom,but alas,not a blog,too many people I know read my blog and they would be mortified.!!
Write what you are comfortable with,what you are willing to take the consequences for,but be yourself,life is complicated enough without creating different personas.
I've wrestled with this myself. I could have written parts of this post if I'd had the eloquence. I have also toyed with the idea of starting a new blog and rejected it for quite precisely the same reason. But then, in theory, I think I can be myself (and one self) without showing ALL of myself to everyone. I'm very glad that no one in my family is aware of my blog. I'm too tired tonight to make much sense, but this is another thought-provoking post from you, so I'll go off and think on it.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. My blog has become all cobweb-by and lonely precisely because of this sort of thinking. But I am learning to not care so much. Slowly . . .
ReplyDeleteGo for it. You'd be surprised how understanding people can be about reading honest emotion.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the angst ridden ramblings of a 9 year old girl. Life's full of decisions from the most miniscule to Eisenhower pulling the trigger on D-Day. Point being, you make 'em, you live with them. Everything short of death is rectifiable.
ReplyDeletei found out a while ago that some people knew about my blog that weren't supposed to have seen it - ever since when i've had to be a lot more careful about what i write and sometimes i do think its taken some of the joy out of it, but i think honesty is probably the best policy.
ReplyDeleteA few thoughts from your comments. Thanks friends.
ReplyDelete- Something I've learned from writing classes is the necessity to allow everything to be content. Change the names and places, but don't self-edit. Sure way to stifle creativity.
- It's good for me to be vulnerable. There's much more to gain than there is from keeping it in (like a man).
- I always forget that I'm not the only one who feels like I do. That's encouraging.
- I watched a bit of the Woody Allen doc on PBS this weekend. Reminds me not to take myself too seriously. Angst can be funny with if presented with compassion.
- The Buddhist precept of right speech complicates the whole thing for me and leads to more second guessing. What is the purpose of what I say and write here? To help (myself and others)? I hope so. That is my intention.
--> "The importance of speech in the context of Buddhist ethics is obvious: words can break or save lives, make enemies or friends, start war or create peace. Buddha explained right speech as follows: 1. to abstain from false speech, especially not to tell deliberate lies and not to speak deceitfully, 2. to abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others, 3. to abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, and 4. to abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth. Positively phrased, this means to tell the truth, to speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary." (swiped from here: http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html)